bending towards the light, going on walks, battling ennui via collage

Instead of writing “per my last email” in 2025, I hope to more frequently be saying “per my last collage.” Here’s my latest:

This year I would like to bend towards the light. I would also like to sit in empty theaters scrunched up in my big coat with my crazy hair and bob dylan sunglasses (can anyone ID the ones timothee is wearing in A Complete Unknown? you would be saving me a lot of toil and time spent on niche forums). If you need me, I will be eating cheerios in the lawn chair I keep in my trunk and playing my guitar barefoot and wearing my ambition on my sleeve'/shoulder like my favorite tote bag.

I like the holidays because it’s all about bringing the extra chairs up from the basement and making a little more food than you think you’ll need and giving more away than you take for yourself.

This year I would like to gather and collect and cluster. I would like to take every opportunity to stay a little longer and ask another question or two. I’ve already offered one ride and asked three questions and it’s only mid January. Everyone say good job to me.

I am excited to find out more about the inner workings of the people I live next to. Aaron and I now frequent a restaurant on our block we used to consistently pass by and never go inside. One night we asked for the table by the window. The corner table was taken.

There sat 20 people who sang and read speeches and told jokes and recalled memories. They topped each other off with wine and waited to start speaking until someone was recording on their iPhone. They laughed loudly and clapped and sang.

Aaron and I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. So we sang along.

I’ve also been doing my daily walks to battle ennui. And yes I have been getting up 45 minutes earlier to do them. Ugh guys please don’t treat me different. And please don’t be jealous, just be happy for me okay? I am not even doing this for me. I am doing this for you. Because I haven’t had a single thought other than “I’m tired, what’s on tv” for the last 2 months. And now that I’ve been walking.. I hate to brag but I will.. I’ve had at least 3 really good thoughts. See below:

Sometimes my walks take me to the farmers market and people watch. Here were my top 3 people.

1. A boy laying on two coolers at the farmers market. He was blowing bubbles while his mom sold olives.

2. A woman wearing a bold red lip in line for croissants.

3. A man cradling a toy poodle waiting at for the crosswalk to turn

All 3 of these people seemed to be experiencing ennui in their own little worlds with their own little coping mechanisms. Gum, lipstick, toy poodle. I find it extremely hard to focus when bad things are happening. Maybe I need gum? or a poodle?? All I want to do is lay on the floor and draw with my markers that are popular on the currently famous TikTok app. This substack is nothing if not topical!!!

But when I do go outside I always am happier for it. Even when I went to a cafe with my friend and was cursed with being the customer after the barista’s favorite. But I asked him if I should get chai or a latte and entire world opened up for us. He did a whole joke about the system he uses to organize silverware haha you guys just had to be there.

I guess what I’m trying to say is there are a lot of reasons to feel like laying on two coolers and dissociating while you chew bubblegum. I hope you find your red lipstick or save those junk magazines for a collage - if you don’t have either (or if you’re like me and just waiting a littttle longer for the perfect time to adopt a tiny baby black pug), please stop into the restaurant that has faded into the background of your life, ask the waiter what they would order!!