drawing on my ipad, reconnecting to the wifi, teaching a dog what it means to be alive

Two Tuesdays ago Aaron and I drove three point five hours and picked up our perfect black pug puppy from a family in Oroville, California. His name is Karl Barx and he is currently 7 pounds. He is salt and pepper like George Clooney or like a silverback gorilla. He chews on my shoes and loves a tiny pink bone my mom found in a drawer. Aaron calls him his little man and I call him Mr. Man.

*Karl please don’t read this next paragraph mommy is not feeling like herself and is having a fit of wifi-induced anger.*

I’m currently writing this on a plane with horrendous wifi which is so fucked up and should be illegal. If the wifi doesn’t work within five minutes of takeoff, the plane should be grounded and everyone gets a complimentary stay at a five star hotel and put on a PJ the next morning. I’m sorry, but I just find it funny that when passengers are boarding the cabin crew is like literally if there is anything at all we can do for you, please just let us know. We are here for you and want you to have the best plane experience of your life. And then twenty minutes into the flight I ask them if the wifi can work and they’re like wait why are you asking me we’re literally in the sky and we can’t control what happens up here??? Get away from me!!!!! They get on the intercom they are like please stay in your seats and DO NOT APPROACH THE CABIN CREW that is ILLEGAL and we will come to YOU. I can see them whispering to each other “there is a woman in a kansas city chiefs shirt and Amazon basics compression socks asking about the wifi do NOT engage - please alert the captain if she presses the issue.”

Anyways. It takes a lot of work to remain sane and not crash out on an airplane about the wifi. To calm myself down I listen to the five playlists Aaron saved on my phone and draw on my iPad. Then I think about my puppy karl. I love thinking about him.

My puppy reminds me of the work it takes to live, and he reminds me of a scene in won’t you be my neighbor where tom hanks says take a minute to think of everyone who loved you into being. I hope Karl thinks of me and his daddy aaron and the neighbor kids who stomp by our window, inadvertently teaching him to be calm even at the sound of a rogue basketball (something I am still learning).

Every morning Karl and I sit on the stoop and watch the world go by. We watch rich couples walk by with double-decker nuna strollers. We watch old labradors in saggy t-shirts trail behind their owners. We watch pedestrians jaywalk. I buy a tiny t-shirt online for Karl to wear on our next outing and whisper in his ear to always wait for the pedestrian walk sign before crossing the street. It’s just not worth the risk, I tell him.

We watch an older woman named Akiko walk her daughter’s dog buster. Akiko tells us that her daughter is also named Natalie. I know I’ve grown a lot because I’m not jealous of this other Natalie who I’ve never met – in the 3^rd grade suddenly there were two more Natalie’s in my grade and I implored everyone that I was the original and first ever Natalie in the history of our grade so they should just remember that. I didn’t say that to Akiko. Instead, I said that’s cool! Akiko also told us that the couple who used to live in our apartment also owned a black dog. She said that they had a big dog and we have a small one. I’m not jealous of them either. Instead, I’m grateful they left us the keys so we could pick up where they left off.

Another woman walked by with two toddlers in a wagon and asked what my puppy’s name was. Karl Barx, I said. Awww like Charles Barkley!!! She yelled and promptly walked away. Oh Karl, welcome to the world of being a misunderstood. It is inevitable and actually a crucial element of the nature of being alive!

Me and Karl are both learning to self soothe even in the face of loud basketballs, shotty wifi, and being misunderstood. I reward Karl with freeze dried beef liver. I reward myself with a honey cinnamon brown sugar iced latte (homemade).

For the record… Karl is named after Karl Marx because we wanted to further the communist agenda but ALSO because when Aaron and I moved into our apartment there were only two items left behind. A bottle opener shaped like the Millennium Falcon and a keychain with the name Karl on it.

Sometimes I worry that I don’t take stock of my life enough. Who I am, what I want, where I want to go. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself like that. But I do spend time thinking that maybe that is a bad thing – to not think of myself. Maybe that’s why I got upset in the 3rd grade when there were other Natalie’s in my class. What if they had it figured out? What if they were the Natalie that knew exactly who they were, where they were going, and what they wanted? I had big thoughts as a 3rd grader. But Karl tells me it’s ok to work your way into yourself. This involves growing pains and baby teeth and learning when to eat our three square meals a day so we don’t get hangry and eat shoes. It’s ok to rely on each other as you are finding your way to yourself. Let a keychain name your dog. Let the barista tell you what drink to get. But please for the love of god do not ask the flight attendant to help you with the wifi.